Loss
by jibber59
Summary: A story of loss and friendship. Warnings: Bring a hankie. Tears, loss, tragedy, angst abound in this one. Sorry, but sometimes life is unfair. The whole world can become the enemy when you lose what you love. —Kristina McMorris
1. Chapter 1

Chris reined Pony to an abrupt stop in front of the livery, shouting up the stairs for Nathan.

"He ain't there." JD came up from behind them.

"Shit. On patrol?"

"No, just at the church helping Josiah. Why? What's wrong?"

"Ezra's hurt." JD paled, and turned to follow Chris's gaze. Vin was riding in, Ezra slumped back against him, unconscious. JD blanched. "Where's Buck. Chris what happened to Buck?"

"Easy kid. He's coming behind us. He had something to do." Chris's voice sounded off. Clearly there was more to the story here, but this wasn't the time.

JD nodded. "Okay, you help Vin. I'll fetch Nathan."

"No. I'll get him. You help with Ezra. He'd rather have it that way."

7-7-7-7-7-7-7

A few days later Chris stood on the street in front of the livery, looking up to where Nathan was currently occupied. He wanted to go up and check on things, to see for himself that Ezra was healing up. But he couldn't. He knew he wasn't welcomed right now, and likely never would be again.

The others had been keeping him informed and trying to bolster his spirits at the same time. He knew Ezra would be alright. Was going to take some time for the injuries to heal up properly, but they would. The body would recover, spirit would take longer. The forgiveness would likely never come.

Chris saw Nathan come to the window, opening it to allow some fresh evening air into the room, probably hoping to get relief from the daytime heating. He caught the healer's eye and silently asked for an update. Nathan smiled and gave a reassuring nod but didn't speak. That told Chris what he needed. The message reached Ezra as well.

"I presume Mr. Larabee is once again in the street below?" Nathan turned back slowly. "You would have spoken if anyone else had been inquiring as to my present state."

"Yeah, he was passing by. He's not coming up Ezra."

"Good."

"You can't avoid him forever."

"I can make a concerted effort."

"Four Corners is a pretty small town."

"That presumes I intend to remain."

That brought Nathan to full attention. "Seriously? You gonna leave?"

"It is an alternative I am considering."

"Disappoint a lot of folk if you do."

"Disappointment is a part of life Mr. Jackson."

Nathan hated to see Ezra hurting in a way he simply couldn't heal. "Don't do that. I get that your mad at Chris but –"

"My apologies, Nathan. I am tired and more than slightly out of sorts."

"Understandable. I'll go over and get you some dinner."

"I have no desire to eat."

"Told you before Ezra. That's not an option. You have to keep yourself nourished if you expect to heal up. Now do you think you can handle stew, or just soup?"

Ezra didn't answer, but at least he didn't argue. Nathan puttered around for a few minutes, tidying the already neat space to give Ezra the time to make up his mind.

"Soup. And have someone else bring it." Damn, he must've really pissed him off. Before he could reply, Ezra added, "You need to take some time yourself to sit and relax. Time away from me and my decidedly sour mood."

"I'm fine Ezra."

His patient laughed with no humour. "You do not allow us to express that sentiment, yet you use it on a regular basis. Please, take the time. But do not send Josiah. I don't think I can cope with his restrained solicitousness again."

"I think Vin is around. That be okay?" Getting an affirming nod, Nathan headed down to accomplish his task.

Chris was waiting on the steps in front of the saloon, whittling a stick into nothing more than wood chips. He looked as dejected as Nathan could remember ever seeing.

"He feeling any better?"

"Pain's not as bad today, but that knee is gonna take some time."

"Didn't mean his body."

"I know. He still pretty quiet about everything." Nathan hesitated before continuing. "He's thinking about leaving town."

Chris leaned back against the wall, knock his hat off kilter. He didn't bother to fix it. "Shit. Can't say that I'm surprised."

"Well I am. I thought he was settled now."

"His kind, our kind, never really settle. And he spent his life moving on when things got too hard."

The healer disagreed. "But that's changed. For all of us."

"Apparently not." He thought for a moment before speaking again. "Let him know if he'd rather stay, I can move on."

Nathan almost fell over. "Are you crazy? Are you both crazy?"

"He shouldn't have to leave."

"Yeah, well neither should you. Look, Chris, this stinks. It all stinks. But leaving isn't the answer."

Chris looked his friend in the eye. "Then tell me what is."

Nathan shrugged. "We start with time, and support. And we see what happens from there."

7-7-7-7-7-7-7

Vin tapped lightly on the door to let Ezra know he was coming in. Not that it was possible to climb those stairs quietly, but he figured the southern gentleman would appreciate the courtesy.

"No need to be so formal Vin. You are welcome to enter."

"Just making sure you weren't asleep. I got soup and some fresh rolls from bakery." Ezra nodded without enthusiasm but made no move toward the meal. "You ain't gonna make me spoon-feed you, are you?"

With a noticeable sigh, Ezra shifted himself up in the bed, grimacing as the sharp pains shot through his chest. He took in a quick breath, holding it to keep his cracked ribs from feeling any more pressure. He waved off the offer of help, fidgeting and shuffling until he got his splinted leg into a manageable position. It took almost all the energy he had left to pick up the spoon from the tray that Vin settled on his lap and scoop a small amount onto it. Only about a third of the meal was eaten before he was putting the spoon down heavily.

"I cannot manage any more at this time."

"What about some bread?"

Ezra just shook his head. Vin debated briefly the idea of challenging the decision but couldn't bring himself to force Ezra on anything at this point.

"So, you really gonna leave Four Corners?"

"Good news travels quickly I see."

"Not funny Ezra."

"You assume I speak in jest."

"I assume you speak in anger. And grief. Don't think you should be deciding anything until you've had some time."

"And precisely what changes will come with time?"

Vin stood and reached over to take the tray away. "For one thing, a chance to think things through."

"You all continue to propose that, but I have yet to determine precisely what it is I need to think through. I know the facts. I know the actions, and I know the results. What is left to review?"

"Well, one thing you don't know was how Chris feels about all of this."

A cloud came over Ezra's face. "I do not need to know that."

"Well I hate to disagree with you, but you do. For one thing, he says he'll leave town so that you don't have to."

That bit of news came as a complete surprise. Of all the various scenarios he'd envisioned for his future, that one had never crossed his mind.

"That would be foolish and ill advised. There is far more holding Mr. Larabee to this town than there is for me."

Vin took it is a good sign that Ezra was still giving some consideration to Chris's feelings. But he still wasn't pleased about the sentiment. "So, we don't hold you here?"

Ezra looked away as he answered. "I cannot say that it would be sufficient. I do not want to leave Vin. I simply do not believe that I would survive the alternative."

"I get this is hard on you Ezra. It couldn't be any other way. But you have to understand. Chris had no choice."

"I really do not want to hear anything more on the matter." He could see Vin was about to speak again. "Please. I am tired and sore. I simply want to try to rest. It will make Nathan inordinately happy for me to do so." Ezra tired to keep the pain from his face as he settled back down, closing his eyes.

"You can't avoid this forever Ezra." Vin reminded him. "But I guess one more day won't hurt much."

Ezra remained motionless in the bed, hoping against all hope that Vin would take the hint. Eventually he did, and Ezra let out a small sigh when he heard the door close. He cautiously opened one eye, to reassure himself that Vin was in fact on the far side of that door. Seeing that he was alone, Ezra allowed himself to relax for a moment, putting aside the efforts to keep his pain and emotions hidden.

He hadn't lied to Vin. He was tired, more than tired. But closing his eyes, falling asleep, meant he was risking another nightmare. Another vivid replaying of the moments that had led to all of this.

 _They should have taken refuge when the storm started, but they all just wanted to get back home. Chris, Vin, Buck and Ezra had been on the road for four days, delivering prisoners, and now getting back home. Under normal circumstances it wouldn't have required four men for the job, but Chris had been certain the prisoners they were escorting would try to escape, or their gang would try to break them free. Neither occurrence happened. The only trouble on the ride had been that this trio was the most vile, foul mouth, obnoxious scum that they had ever dealt with. Ezra repeatedly threatened to gag them, and on occasion Chris had come close to approving the act. It was slightly more civilized than Buck's suggestion of shooting them, or at least shooting one as a warning._

 _Chris couldn't remember a time he'd been more relieved to hand over prisoners to another lawman. The foursome stayed in town overnight but even Ezra didn't object to the early start the next day to get home. Without the need to go slowly because of the bound prisoners, they could pick up the pace and be home by noon the next day, saving hours on the trip. They hadn't counted on the weather._

 _"_ _We're gonna have a storm tomorrow." Vin noted as they set camp for their final night on the trail. "Sky is moody." Ezra looked sceptical, but both Chris and Buck tended to agree._

 _"_ _I can assume the intention will again be to rise at an ungodly hour?"_

 _"_ _Sooner we head out, sooner you get to the comfort of home Ez." Buck yawned widely as he spoke._

 _"_ _And the sooner you will be able to avail yourself of some female companionship."_

 _"_ _Three nights sleeping alone." Vin added with a grin. "Must be some kind of record for you."_

 _Buck shrugged. "Gone longer, but I try not to think about it."_

 _Sunrise cast a bright pink and red glow, and the men knew Vin's prediction had been accurate. They were riding toward the storm clouds but were still surprised when the rain suddenly became torrential less than an hour later. The cloudburst ended quickly but the trail along the ravine was now muddy and soft, and they slowed their pace considerably to accommodate it._

 _They could hear thunder rumbling in the distance as the sky flashed brightly several times. Buck voiced the opinion that they should look for shelter, and Ezra turned his head to voice his support for the idea. At that instant, a loud crack matched up to a lightning bolt shooting to the ground, hitting a tree some 100 feet away. The air sizzled, the smell of ozone permeated the area and the ground shook. All of the horses startled, but Ezra was the only one without a tight grip on the reins. Chaucer ran forward, spooked by everything that had crashed around him so quickly. Ezra was caught off balance and tumbled sideways, holding on but hanging precariously, unable to regain control of the panicked animal. He could feel Chaucer turn, and then veer back abruptly again. The soft ground and sudden movement was too much, and both horse and rider fell. Ezra screamed as he felt his leg turn beneath him as he hit the ground. The jolt caused him to twist, slamming himself chest first into some rocks. It was just a couple of seconds till he heard Vin at his side. "Stay still Ezra. Don't move. You're busted up, but I'm guessing you can feel that." Chris's voice sounded distant. "How is he?" Vin's response sounded just as fuzzy to him._

 _"_ _Leg's busted. Having trouble breathing and he split his head open. How's Chaucer?"_

 _Ezra turned his head at the question and regretted it instantly. Nausea swept over him and the world spun. Nevertheless, he managed to gasp out one word. "Chaucer?"_

 _"_ _Stay still dammit. Ezra, stop." Vin carefully placed a hand on his chest, holding him in place without applying too much pressure._

 _"_ _You both went down. Just stay put. Chris and Buck are with Chaucer."_

 _"_ _I have to –" Ezra brushed Vin's hand aside and tried to sit up again. Pain shot through him and he felt himself fading out._

 _He could understand only a scant few of the words floating around him. "broken…bad…too much…nothing we can…". The one that resonated most, the one that sunk through was "no choice." He forced himself to turn his head again, ignoring his body's reaction to the action. He tried to talk but couldn't form the words. The last image seared into his mind was that of Chaucer lying twisted on the ground, with Chris shaking his head as he stood over him, reaching for his weapon. The sound of the shot echoed through his brain and he bolted upright, screaming in several levels of agony before passing out completely._

 _Ezra vaguely recalled waking up from time to time on the ride home. His leg had been roughly splinted. He knew he should care about that but couldn't find the will. He discovered he was riding with Vin. The sharpshooter spoke softly every time he moaned or stirred. He kept one arm wrapped tightly around Ezra, trying to offer both literal and figurative support. He never acknowledged the comments directed to him. Once he made the effort to pull away but was too weak to succeed and Vin answered by intensifying his grip. Through blurred vision, he could see Chris riding a few lengths ahead. He had no idea where Buck had vanished to. Probably gone ahead to get help. He really didn't care._

 _He saw, or more accurately heard, Chris pick up the pace. A moment later Vin's voice whispered at him again. "Were almost home Ezra. Nathan will get you fixed up and you'll be fine."_

 _"_ _Don't want Nathan."_

 _"_ _He's gotta look at you Ez, you're hurt. Concussion, cracked ribs, and your leg is busted up bad."_

 _"_ _Than just have Mr. Larabee shoot me as well." His voice was bitter, and Vin was at a loss on how to reply. He didn't have to when he felt Ezra go slack against him, surrendering once again to the exhaustion and pain._

 **TBC**

 **M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7**


	2. Chapter 2

It turned out that it was much longer than just one day before Vin, or anyone else on the team, approached Ezra about his mood or his plans. A prison break in the northern area of the territory triggered a call for almost every law man within 50 miles to join the search. Josiah stayed in Four Corners to keep watch on things, while the others joined the man hunt. Ezra managed to convince Nathan he would be better off in his own room during their absence. Closer to those who would be helping with his care was the excuse. All things considered, it didn't seem like a bad idea. Buck, Vin, Nathan and Josiah helped to move him over and settle him in. The stress was enough that Ezra slept for close to a full day after.

He tried to keep his needs to a minimum, limiting the number of visitors he was forced to endure. The endless efforts to cheer him wore on his nerves, but when he snapped back at Mary Travis, even he realized he had gone too far and tried to make amends.

"My apologies madam. I realize that my best interests are foremost in everyone's efforts, but I simply cannot abide being treated like a delicate crystal goblet ready to shatter at a moment's notice."

"It's alright Ezra. I understand. When Stephen died I got to the point I was quite certain I would assault to the next person who offered condolences. I guess that's what happens when no one can figure out what else to do."

"I do not believe my loss is comparable to the death of your husband."

"Grief is grief. The hurt is real no matter who it is we lose."

"Nevertheless, such an outburst as I demonstrated is not acceptable."

She smiled at him, recognizing his genuine contrition at the act. "Well you are forgiven. But only on the condition that you agree to let me open up the curtains and windows in here and let a bit of life back in."

"You drive a hard bargain madam." He allowed a small smile to appear, not really feeling it, but knowing it would appease the woman. Mary chose to see it as the first sign of the old Ezra she had seen in a week. She took it as approval and opened things up.

The sounds from the street were strangely soothing to him; comfortable and familiar. He unconsciously nodded his approval as he reached for a book that had been sitting abandon on his night table for some time. He opened it and settled back into the pillows.

7-7-7-7-7-7-7

 _Three days later_

The commotion from the street was the first indicator Ezra had that the others had returned. Word had come by telegraph that the prisoners had been caught or killed in various parts of the territory, and that it was understood that Larabee and the others had closed in on the group they were following as well. It was expected the men would be back soon.

Even without being able to see what was happening, Ezra could tell something was wrong. There was a tense buzz of noise from the street. No one was calling out greetings, no welcoming sounds. But a great deal of quiet talk. The kind of talk that only happens when things are very bad.

He tried to rise, to push himself up from the bed, but the splint on his leg and the stab of pain created by the effort knocked him back. The dull ache in his chest didn't help matters either. He took a moment to cautiously catch his breath before reluctantly reaching for the bell by his bed. He hated summoning anyone this way, let alone Inez. It seemed demeaning to her. But he needed to know what was happening. He was about to lift it when the door opened.

"Hey Ezra." JD entered tentatively. "The guys figured you'd want to know we were back. They want to come see you, and will. Just need to take care of a few things first. You know, cleaning up after a long ride and all. And of course taking care of the horses – damn. Well of everything. Anyway, we'll all be by in a bit."

"John Daniel Dunne, you are not to even contemplate stepping one foot out of this room without telling me exactly what the hell is going on."

JD turned back with a blatantly phony smile plastered on his face. "Nothing's wrong Ezra. Really."

"You have fidgeted with your hat from the instant you entered. You are talking faster than a bullet leaves a gun and you haven't even pretended to be able to look me in the eye. Who was injured, and how serious is it?"

JD relented, knowing he shouldn't have even tried to bluff the gambler. "Don't think it's all that bad. Nathan got him patched up yesterday, but, well, he's still bleeding, and he does seem to have a bit of a fever, but everybody keeps saying that he's gonna be fine. He's gonna be okay."

Ezra found he was having trouble breathing as the reason for JDs avoidance of the issue dawned on him.

"Dear Lord! Chris's dying – isn't he?"

JD gulped before whispering out "Maybe."

Ezra tried to stand again but fell back, unable to hide the pain.

"Dammit Ezra. Stay put. Nathan has enough on his hands with Chris and Vin."

"Vin was hurt too!"

"It wasn't bad. But Nathan does not need you busting yourself up again."

"What happened?"

"Don't really know. Vin tracked a couple of the prisoners to an abandon homestead. Everybody started shooting and a couple of minutes later they were dead, and Vin had a bullet in his arm."

"And Chris?"

JD hesitated. "In his chest."

Ezra closed his eyes, fighting off the image in front of him. "How could that happen? He would have had to be exposed."

"I don't know. We couldn't really figure it out either."

"Has he been conscious?" JD nodded slowly. "Did he speak? Try to explain? JD, you are stalling again. What did he say?"

As he mumbled a response, JD tried to walk away.

"Do not make me repeat myself Mr. Dunne. I have no patience for it."

The answer was almost to soft to be heard. "He was trying to get Peso out of the way. Said he couldn't let another horse die."

Ezra felt like all of the blood had drained from his body. He was shot trying to save a horse. There was only one reason he would be so foolish, to take such a ridiculous risk. He still felt the guilt. Ezra had been unwilling to forgive him, and now, Chris may have paid the ultimate price for that selfishness.

"I have to see him."

"Ezra you can't."

"I have to dammit. Get the others here. Carry me. I don't care." When JD hesitated, Ezra spoke the phrase he knew would turn the tide. "Fine, I shall walk over myself."

One look at the determination in his eyes told JD there was no point in arguing. "Okay. Sit still. I'll see what I can do. Just promise me you'll stay put till I get back."

Ezra merely nodded, the tension evident. He listened to JD charge down the stairs.

How could he have been so stupid, so self-centred? How could he have laid enough guilt at Chris's feet to result in, please God no, his death. This was insane. This was unthinkable.

He had to get over there. To see him. To tell him – what? What could he possibly say? All Chris had wanted was acceptance for what he had for what had happened. Not forgiveness. He had specifically asked Josiah to let Ezra know he did not expect to be forgiven for what he had done. But if he could just know that the motivation had been understood. Vin and Buck had told Ezra several times that that was all Chris was asking for, yet he had had refused to even consider it.

He knew that Chris had taken no pleasure in what he'd had to do. No sane man killed an animal with any degree of pleasure. It didn't help that he had to know it would likely destroy their less than solid friendship. Vin admitted that both he and Buck offered to do what was needed. Chris had all but ordered them to keep that secret, insisting it was best for Ezra to believe that none of the others were willing to hurt him in this way, knowing he would need to be able to count on the others as he dealt with this.

Ezra also knew that there wasn't a man worthy of the designation who could destroy an animal without a second thought. Hunting for food, for survival, was one thing. But the blatant destruction of putting an animal down was something else. When he put his emotions to the side, he knew that as difficult as all of this was to accept, the action had been as every bit as hard for Chris to take.

JD returned with Buck, who spoke first. "Nathan doesn't think this is a good idea."

"For my sake, or Mr. Larabee's?"

"Yours."

"Then we shall proceed." Buck shook his head but, like JD, knew arguing was a waste of time – time they might not have. Ezra would make his way over there come hell or high water. No point in risking further injury.

"We'll carry you, but you do what we say. Nathan's still working at getting the bullet out, so we wait till he says you can go in. Understood?"

"I have no desire or intent to cause any further harm or suffering that I have already done. But I need him to know I am sorry. I don't expect his forgiveness, but he needs to know that I am truly contrite."

"You're sorry?" Buck was confused. "What the hell are you – never mind. It doesn't matter. Let's get this done." JD and Buck slowly helped Ezra to his feet, forcing themselves to ignore the clear indications of the pain the man was still in. They locked arms together, forming a seat for Ezra to rest on. The height difference made the ride less than smooth, but Ezra said nothing. By the time they got to Nathan's, he was sweating and panting. His face was lined with evidence of the increasing pain, but he remained silent. They carefully set him down and he leaned heavily against the wall, unable to even maneuver himself to sit. He looked over in concern to where Vin was resting in a chair, cradling his arm.

"Sit down before you fall over. This is just a graze. I'm fine." he added, before Ezra could ask. "Don't know how things are going in there, but Nathan and Josiah ain't swearing much, so I'm hoping that's a good sign."

"It is." Josiah was standing in the doorway. "He lost a fair bit of blood, so it was looking a lot worse. But it wasn't too deep, and it came out clean."

"So, he'll be good?" Vin asked.

"Laid up for a bit, but yeah, he'll be good."

Ezra went limp and Buck lowered him into the chair. "Damn Ezra, you gonna faint?"

"No." The succinctness of the answer made everyone worry, but no one spoke. It remained quiet for about 15 minutes until Nathan came out.

"OK he's looking bet – Ezra what the hell are you doing here?" He turned angrily to Buck. "I told you this wasn't a good idea."

"He would've crawled over here, and pretty sure that would have been worse."

Nathan's were quietly, mumbling to himself. "Crazy. All of you are crazy, and I'm even worse for trying to help you all." He squatted next to Ezra, who immediately brushed off the attention.

"I need to speak to him."

"Well you can't. He's asleep Ezra. Will be for quite a while. And you need to rest."

"Then I shall wait here."

"You're volunteering to stretch out here instead of your own bed? You feeling okay?" Vin asked, only half kidding.

"I wish to be here when he awakens. Whatever I need to do for that to occur is acceptable to me."

Nathan stood, waving Buck and Josiah over to help him. "Never thought I'd live to see the day you took a bed in here willingly." With a shrug, they moved him over to the bed beside Chris. Ezra paled further when he saw the lawman lying so still.

"I promise you Ezra, he's going to be okay."

"It should not have happened. He almost died because I was so foolish."

"As the second time you've said that. What the hell are you talking about?" Ezra didn't answer Buck. He stepped close to challenge the gambler, but Vin reached out to stop him. He shook his head without speaking. Buck scowled but stepped back. It didn't silence him. "Only folks to blame here of the ones what shot him Ezra. Don't go getting yourself riled."

There was still no answer as Ezra sat quietly perched on the edge of the bed.

"You gonna stretch out?"

"Perhaps later Josiah. I am fine for the moment." The strain in his voice and the trembling that passed through him belied the claim, but no one contested the claim. There would have been no point.

"Well," Vin yawned quite deliberately as he made his way to the last bed in the sick room. "I'm going to get some sleep. You guys go eat. We're good here."

Ezra waited until the area was quiet again. "I neither need nor want any words of encouragement from you."

"Not here for that. Just getting some rest is all."

"I find that a difficult fact to accept."

"Well that's too bad Ezra. Of course, if you should change your mind…"

Despite himself, Ezra chuckled lightly. "I suspected as much."

Vin grinned as he closed his eyes.

7-7-7-7-7-7-7

"Can't say as I expected to see you here Ezra." Chris's voice was weak and hoarse. Ezra pulled himself from his bed into the chair Nathan had abandoned earlier and offered a small sip of water. He had been waiting over 12 hours to talk to Chris, and still hadn't figured out what to say.

"I – I have no right to ask for your forgiveness, but I am going to presume upon your better nature to do so regardless."

"My forgiveness? Don't you have that backwards?"

"I know you did only what you had to do, and acted out of concern and compassion, leaving yourself with the unfair burden of guilt. I was selfish and petulant, and my actions caused you sufficient stress to put you in the position to nearly to be nearly fatally injured."

"Good God Ezra. I have never encountered anyone who can twist things around to the way you can." There was no answer. Chris forced himself to focus on the situation, even though he wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep. "Not sure where this is coming from, but I damn sure know I don't need to be forgiving you anything." Still no response. "But, since you won't believe that then fine - you are forgiven."

"That is not the most sincere response I have received, but you are tired and weak, and Nathan will be furious with me for engaging you in this discussion, so I suppose it will have to do."

Chris let out a small sigh of relief. As much as he wanted to end the discussion, he knew this might be the only chance they would have do discuss this before the barriers all went back up. "Doesn't it need to go both ways Ezra? You going to be able to forgive me?"

"To use your own words, there is no need to. As I indicated, I understand what you did and why. I hate it. But I carry no animosity toward you. I did, but I acknowledge that was foolish and wasteful."

"It was human Ezra. Not a man alive who blames you either. I'd be mad as hell if anyone had put down Pony that way."

"Perhaps, but I have no doubt you would have seen the light far faster than I did. And that your anger would not have been so poorly misdirected."

Chris looked at him, too tired to ask for an explanation. Ezra understood that one was needed. "The anger wasn't with you Chris. It was directed that way because was far easier than laying it where it belonged, at my own feet."

"Not your fault Ezra. He got spooked bad and ran. It could have happened to any of us."

"Yes, I accept that. The accident is not what I was referring to. The task, the deed. It should not have fallen to you."

"When it comes down to it Ezra, this is my team. You men are my team."

"No one is disputing your role, or its significance. I am not expressing myself properly."

Chris smirked slightly. "Now why do I find that hard to believe?"

"At his last moment, at the one time in his life Chaucer needed me most, I was not there for him. I failed him."

"Shit Ezra. That's what's tearing you up?"

"Mine should have been the last face he saw."

Chris closed his eyes for a moment, allowing himself a chance to catch his breath. "You never cease to surprise me. Okay. Let's assume you're right, and he could think that way. Ezra, how much of what happened do you remember?"

"Small parts. It remains hazy."

"Not surprised. Do you remember when he turned, just before falling?"

Ezra was shaking his head. "Vaguely. As I said, the entire incident remains hazy."

"When Chaucer bolted he headed towards a cliff. He turned fast just before the edge, like he saw what was coming. But then he turned again, even faster. That's when he went down. That's when you both went down."

Part of Ezra longed to tell him to shut up. He didn't want to hear any of this. But there was a reason Chris was pushing himself to tell this story when he was too weak to be making the effort, and Ezra owed it to him to hear it out. "Yes, I understand the nature of what happened. I fail to see your point."

"Second turn kept you from being tossed over the cliff. Chaucer spun back to keep you from falling Ezra. I can't help but believe he knew that." He paused, debating for a moment before continuing. Chris hated the pain the memories were creating. Ezra wasn't even trying to fight off the tears anymore. "He tried to get up when he fell. You remember that?"

"No, I never saw that."

"Yeah, didn't figure you did. He twisted himself enough to see you Ezra. To watch you. I can promise you, no word of a lie, you were the last thing he saw. He knew he'd saved you. I'll go to my grave believing that, and believing it mattered to him."

Ezra sat quietly for a moment then reached up to brush tears off his cheek. He cleared his throat and tried to gather his voice together. "Why didn't you say something?"

"Because you didn't need to hear all this then."

"Instead, you elected to take that all on yourself. Knowing the anger and resentment I was harbouring. Knowing it was all so dreadfully misdirected."

"I knew you'd come around." Chris was lying, and Ezra knew it.

"You knew no such thing. If you believed that, you wouldn't have offered to leave town."

"I made the offer, like I said, I knew you'd come around."

The self-deprecation was evident when Ezra spoke again. "That is more than I ever believed."

"Keep telling you, you have to give yourself more credit."

"And I keep telling you, you overestimate me."

Chris wanted nothing more than to close his eyes again, the exhaustion starting to catch up with him. But he knew this wasn't over. "Don't think so. Takes a big man to come talk to me like this. To admit not to just to himself, but to someone else, when he's hurting like you are." He waited a moment, knowing there was more, but unsure what else Ezra needed to hear. He was, despite his best effort, starting to feel himself dozing off when Ezra spoke softly.

"What happened - after?"

That was not a question he expected. "We brought you home. I can see where you might have some trouble remembering, the shape you were in." Ezra said nothing, so Chris continued. "Got you patched up as much as we could, and you rode back with Vin. Buck..." Oh, that was what he was asking. Damn, he should have been told at least that from the beginning.

"Buck stayed back Ezra. He buried Chaucer for you. He got taken care of properly."

Ezra let out a soft sob, and immediately choked back any further reaction. "I shall have to thank him. The thought that Chaucer was left out to the elements. To the scavengers…"

Chris weakly reached out. Ezra hesitated just the briefest of seconds before grasping the hand. "Chaucer deserved better than that Ezra - we saw to it that he got it."

"I keep trying to tell myself he was just a horse. A tool. A piece of equipment."

"Thought you weren't lying so much anymore. He was your friend. There's no shame in that."

"For the longest time, the only one I had."

"You still see it that way?"

Ezra offered a broad, genuine smile for the first time in days. "No, I have come to see things as they really are."

Chris sighed with relief as he drifted off to sleep. "Well it damn sure took you long enough."

M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7

The End

 _I know this is a tough story, and I am sorry for anyone who found it difficult to deal with. Some of my real life has put me in the frame of mind that inspired this. And, as a friend reviewing it for me pointed out, no real animals were hurt in the writing of this story. But, I remind everyone, this_ _ **is**_ _fiction Chaucer will be back in other adventures._


End file.
